Bloody HappYness

"I am happy right now. It is a fleeting moment."

-- Pursuit of Happyness

In my subtly manoeuvred and virtually_no_level_of_surprise life , I find sometime each day (streching from a minute to 24 hours) to waste doing nothing . But gradually I am realizing that these are the moments which are making me think more about all the unnecessary things about myself, which in turn are making my introspection process a lot more interesting.

Fifteen years down the lane , I was a good boy. NOT a happy one though . I was being constantly reminded of life's hardships and struggles. There was this deal. Deal to score and run the race. It was real, It was heavy.I was told without success one can not ever be happy. I accepted.

Years passed on. There was dawn of adolescence on the horizon of my braincells. I started becoming a "lesser good" boy . I began questioning everything. I was not ready to accept that life is either cliché or contrived or boring. There was success. There was attention and pressure. I told myself "C'Mon Get happy now". I felt the reaction. It felt good. But still not happy.

Time rolled on further. I was at a new place and with new people.Free and careless. Kicked all problems in life with my left foot.I had no sorrows and no complaints. Though sometimes I was restless , but that was only a part of the race towards future.I created and erased my set of expectations from life as per my convenience. "Now this is happyness" I pressed it on myself.But I was just releived, not happy.

Clock ticked on. I became a bit more wise and experienced with my surroundings. Had comforts and a few sparks in life.I slowed myself down in the race.

Decided that this time I have to find my happyness in absolute terms. I started looking for happy people. Found none. I created a imaginative figure of a happy man. Tried following him.Failed . Thought doing away with "expectations" might bring the feeling closer. It din't. :)

Sometimes we experience happiness in eyeblinks. The rest of the time we are just chasing after it. Though many times I have pretended to myself that I was never unhappy in the first place and it was just the wrong way of realization of a feeling which I never recognized , I am still looking for a big bucket full of it .Somebody said "being happy is a gift". And I am waiting for mine .

Half Remembered Dream

""

Oh ..Its a coffee shop. Is it a coffee shop ? Yeah seems so.But they are selling ice creams here..Nah..Its an Ice cream parlor.No , wait a min .Its a coffee shop. Its called downtown cafe .Phuk,,my mind is not stable...Hmm , might be..I haven't slept since last 30 hours.

So whats sen doing here ? "chhotu , ek cup chai lana.malai maar ke".No I shouldn't insult him.The BMW arrives. Now how can somebody afford a BMW ?

Ok I must move to my table.She is waiting for me. She ..who ? The waitress..No.Let me remember..the phrase was "Damsel in distress".So is she expecting a free coffee ? I put my hands in my pocket..only sands.I guess that BMW is mine.

"You have changed a lot.Look at yourself , u look fat".
"so ?".
"I don't need you anymore.I hate fat people" .
"Wait..don't leave me.I love you. I have money".
"Die with your money , I am leaving".

She vanished.There is smoke.

The CEO of my company is arrested on fraud charges. So says the news paper.What else is on the table ? The menu card , salt and pepper. Who takes salt in coffee ?? Damn , everything is so expensive. I like Tetly. I can listen the pressure cooker whistle. But why are they preparing coffee in a pressure cooker..These people are insane.

I think this coffee shop is in Borneo.There is so much greenery all around. But I must not go out of the shop.There are cannibals waiting outside.Gross. I am vegetarian.

I am jobless now.I have to hatch a plan to rescue my CEO from the high security facility in Nevada deserts .Wait..let him die there. I don't care for him.He is an asshole anyways. But I need money.I have nothing but sands in my pocket.I am at the beach.

It is Bali. Julia Roberts is here. She is back from India after praying.She needs love. She has a lovely smile. Dido has a lovely smile too. But the waitress is more beautiful.She has a sharp nose. And she is tiny too . She talks a lot and she knows yoga . She likes monkeys. But there are none in Bali.

There is blood on the table. Seems somebody died. He was sniped. Dragunov SVU-A. Bull's head.I have a gun in my hand.Its a M1 Garand.I am head of a Panzer division. I have to destroy that bridge on river..which river ? Damn , whats happening to my memory ?

I hate violence.Only Bhushan likes it.I hate closed rooms and coffee without sugar. I can prepare excellent tea.I am owner of a tea garden in Darjeeling.Then what I am doing at a coffee shop ? Am I here to buy it. No , I think I came here to meet my girl.

slap !!!! "Panda ..uthe"

Who the fuck ? That didn't pain much though. My ear is still buzzing .Some M'fucker slapped me.

""

"Panda..Wake up bugger..Its already midnight. Go have your dinner."

Ummm..I opened my eyes. I am on my bed.Alive. I should dream a little more . No , I should get up and have some coffee.

The Lunch Table

Panda, Danda, Sen, Nike, Prabhu

Danda:(Looking at Sen's plate)Man , you are not going to waste food today ?
Panda: Its already a waste when he is eating it .
Nike: (Makes a shit face)The food is again horrible.The oil in the curry looks like the oil fields in Iraq..
Sen: Yes, actually I am thinking how the galz will eat this food.
Prabhu:Dont behave like kids.Respect your food.
Panda:Man you saw mayawati's rally ? wat a waste of public money man..
Danda:Behenji ne sab ki ma behen kardi..sale 200 crore..abe apni company ka turnover bhi utna nahin hoga..
Prabhu:Guyz..I condemn the way Mayawati spent 200 crores mindlessly .It could have been used for a lot of good work.Schools , hospitals..These politicians..I am seriously worried about India's future ..and ..again.. #$%%^&$#$

Sen Interrupts ::

Sen: hey guyz, look ..a new chick that side..she looks good man..
All heads turn..
Panda: you mf, thats an aunty..For God's sake..spare the aunties man
Sen: is it..ok.I din't knw..these days you cant guess a female's age
Nike: (Makes a zombie face) Guyz you know I fixed all cisco reported bugs
Danda: Abe I am yet to start on them. Btw prabhuji is going to treat us in Taj.
Prabhu: (Suddenly stopped eating )And when was that decided ? When did i say so..
Panda: hey..leave it..Its decided now..prabhu will treat us in sheraton..I think he is ok with it
Prabhu:What the heck..You guyz are impossible
Sen:Hey there will be a lot of chicks there..yes yes..we want in sheraton..(Looks around for response)

Nobody responds..again all 5 eating quietly for next 5 mins..

(Suddenly)
Danda:hey sen..chhota ba*** ..its we who need galz..you already have 2 gfs in hitech city
Sen:If you guyz are talking abt S and R , then mind you..They are just frens..nothing else
Nike: yes..they don't deserve to be galz..they can only be frens
Panda: Sen ko sab chalta hai..bf ..gf..everything :)..(grins)
Prabhu: Stop these things..you guyz have anything else to discuss..
Danda: Hey there is one joke i just remembered..its a hilarious one..Once a guy was there..then..
Panda:(Trying to distract him)danda, what time is the faluknama express ?
Danda: main kya railway enquiry hun ? fuck man..i forgot the joke.. (Everyone laughs)

Panda: (After some deep thinking) I am thinking of leaving early today..
Danda: abe tu aya kab be ? sale 12 baje to aaya..aur jaldi bhi jana hai..office tere sasur ka hai kya..
Sen: I wish the MD had a girl of my age..He couldn't hav found a more suitable guy than me.
Nike: he got a new merc yesterday man..I heard its 51 L..extravagent life
(All 5 made big shit faces listening to this)
Panda: yes man..and we are still in Autos and buses..Prabhuji..buy a car man
Prabhu:No need..public transport is the best medium ..it saves fuel and creates less pollution
panda: ooh god..hey bhagwan..ya allah..jesus..OK agreed..

Silence for next 2 minutes..

Sen: Guyz..I think we guyz are getting old..and still none of has a valid gf till now..we are a shame to software community yaar
Panda: yes man..I also think the same..Danda promised to introduce us to some of his beautiful frens..but he never did..disgusting..really
Danda:(Makes the shittiest face) Do I look like a pimp to you ?
Nike: Accha prabhu..U never told us about NB ? She is ur gal right ?..(Hints at Panda to give cover fire )
Panda:yes man..even we want to know..u never speak about her..where is she..how is she..etc etc..
Prabhu: Get your facts right ..Guyz don't create imaginary figures and associate me with them..I am saying..I dont know any such girl..
Nike:Abe prabhu to sharma gaye be..panda you say..how must be NB looking like ?
Panda:(Closed his eyes..thinking deeply..)Taking my vast experience and prabhuji's taste in to account . I think she must be a true blue bong..with a pair of thick spects .communist supporter..jhola bag..and she must be doing MA in english from calcutta university
Sen:bong chicks man..awesome..all sens..ria ,raima,nandana..super hot..I am proud to be a sen..
Danda: you are a fake bong u mf..1971 ke war time me Bangladesh se migrate karke aa gaya tha ye..
Sen: and you proxy gulti..chiranjeevi ki aulaad..chapu chapu..sale..
Prabhu: Guyz stop talking regionalism here..we are all indians first ..and we shouldn't indulge ourselves in petty things like..

Panda interrupts..

Panda:I am feeling sleepy now..They should allow 2 hours sleep break after lunch..
Nike:How many hours a day you sleep man ?
Sen: Your wife will be very unhappy and unsatisfied..
Danda:Abe tu apni biwi ke bare me soch..btw chhotu..Dont worry..We will be all there to help you :) (440 volts demonic smile on his niga' face)
Prabhu:You guyz started again..No personal attacks please.. Guyz I think we are done with our lunch..we should get up now..
Sen: wait for me..i am yet to finish..
Panda: fuck off you ba*** ..nobody is going to wait for you..anyways you are going to throw half of your plate again as usual..you know in Ethiopia..they would have hanged u daily for wasting food..
Danda:usko bol ke kuch fayeda nahin hai..btw..its a friday..wat plans tonight guyz ?
Nike:(gives one of his rare smiles) Panda..romanov or smirnoff ?? Hey lets have antiquity today.
panda:yes man ..sure man..Prabhu..u game for the party ?
Prabhu: Why the hell you ask when you know that I will say NO..btw wat are we waiting for ? Sen's lunch is over..lets go..
all: Hmmm..

At the washers:
Sen: (In a low voice) Abe panda,,jo bhi bol..wo aunty maal hai be..
Panda: Even I think the same man..but who will risk talking about her in front of Prabhu ?..again Prabhu bani sunna padta..
sen: he he..true true..

And the lunch is over.

Biographies:The Wall

No this is not about Jammy.I am the real wall.Its not hard to find me.I surround everyone.In and out.I can be made with Italian vitrified tiles,with marbles from Belgium or just cement,bricks, stones ,barbed wires or even the waste card-boards can also make me stand.In Tienanmen square some crazy guys tried to make a humanized version of me.But their wall turned in to a heap of dead bodies Later.

I am ageless.I was there in troy when Achilles invaded and destroyed me.I recovered & reappeared , this time on the banks of Daya.The Samrat painted me red with the blood of thousands of the kalingas'.Same man turned saint before my eyes.I blinked and found myself in Mughal court.I assimilated the beauty inside me.Can still feel her sighs sometimes.I got up next morning & was in agra.They say i stand as a epitome of love there.I got a little high at jallianwala bagh.People tried to climb me.Failed and left blood stains.

I brought people close . Then I created differences between brothers ,races,religions.I connected a country across length in china .I divided a country in Germany.I became strongest at the Swiss bank.Weakest in the flood zones of Bihar.I spread hatred & separated people when I got demolished in Ayodhya .At Berlin , I watched love of the long separated hearts when I was brought down .I tried to hold on hard when i was bombarded in Palestine.They made bullet holes through me in Jaffna.Government bulldozers crushed me countless times around the world.But i always survived.

I protected people.I saw a family growing before me.I wore the swastika mark.They decorated me for good luck in festivals.The baby leaned on me to walk its first step.Fell.Leaned again & learnt how to walk.He grew in to a boy.He put Sachin's and pam's posters side by side. I saw the aspirations of that young man & also his frustrations when he hit & kicked me.He got married.Some of his passionate moments with his woman were spent in my arms only.I used to listen to the secrets of the house.They said I had ears.I stood honestly with the family.I saw sons and daughters leaving old parents.I felt the tears of the old father as he rested his head against me & cried.He became alone, just like me.We talked. Old time friends again.

They made movies .Wall-E ,Deewar.But put reshma ki jawani poster on me .Sunny deol injured me in each of his movies.I never felt the pain.They posted flirty messages on me in facebook.The floyds cried of being just another brick inside me.Crazy dumb YOs wrote renegade RoX on my chest.I never complained.I remained static .Surrounding that old municipality school for years as I used to witness the Dilli chalo slogan being written over again and again countless times.Dr.Ali advertised his path-breaking anti-impotency medicines on my head.I became the canvas.People painted me ,some times with color and brush,Most of the times with urea enriched water.I din't complain.I became religious , political and social.Flaunted the aum, the cross and the crescent moon .The hand, the lotus and the elephant.The protests against fee hikes , domestic violence ,corruption & article 377.

Lenon said that my fall would bring peace to world.But i don't have death.I am invictus.Nothing and nobody can cease my existence.I was , I am & I will be.Between rich and poor , between hindu and muslim , between black and white.I become invisible.I touch lives and when I get old, I fall and crush them.And they erect me again.Still everyone loves me.I preserve order.Life keeps on growing around me.People live inside walls.Walls live inside people.Everyone finds his way through me.So the saying goes "Where there is a wall , there is a way".

So next time when you feel alone , try to talk with me.We can share some never ending stories.In silence ... just like the old time friends :).

Crazy Heart

Ain't rememberin' good things just wonderful?

I recall those days when our lives were unusual and electric. I was in hell and you were just passing through. You knew what the risks were with me.And you took them.There was more curiosity and less sensibility.I used to be somebody, And you made me somebody else.We burnt with something close to fire. It was unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable . Days were careless.Life was easy.The winds became the gentle words.The clouds became the distant voices.And the "Moon" was a heart flowing in that clouded mirror.Living an illusion was so beautiful.

And I never realized that I was losing myself for something non-existent.Then there was that moment of truth.

Its been a long time since then .Now we sway to different rhythms. Lives lived without meaning or even directed hopes. No demonstrations of devotion.Freedom with no boundaries.The passage of time is measured only by Handmade stupidity. Life is easy this way also.But is this what I wanted ? Will lives ever change ?

Yes ,they will.Ice will break.Silence will be heard.Hearts will be crazy again. Waiting :)

MOHAA - reborn

Cometh the War ..cometh the man and then cometh MOHAA.


Who can forget that lovely year 2005 when all the 5thBlockersUnited used to go crazy after this one word .It was like a war cry .Be it 2 am in the morning or be it just the previous day of end sem exams.Those were days of guns and snipers.Of grenades and bazookas.Of destroyed village ,stalingrad and remagen . Of allied and axis . The cult figures "killmeesh"(Saxena) , "chhamiya"(Anurag) ,"lord"(Chandan) ,"chikki"(Rahul) , "miyan"(Majid) ,"Arnold" (Dharni) , "Mcube" (Murthy) and "sun_zey" (Verma). The gang of MMPO .The battle between 2nd years and baap-log . The screams and the slangs :).

Times have been changed a lot since then.People are distant and busy. But the spirit is still the same . In a quest to re-ignite that passion for gaming we initiated the magic again .So ,welcome the new players "balatkari"(panda), "Maverick"(danda) , "chhotu_on_fire"(sen) ,"Typhoon" (Bhusan)and "Pralay Nath"(Neeraj) [:)]. Hope this small start will again give the same real-time gaming adrenalin we experienced long back.

After some 4 long years I had my hands again on MOHAA today .Played for 6 long hours . Recollected all those old wonderful flashback moments and felt really amazing.There has been many modern versions of the same game released aftr 2005 , but whenever any 5thBlocker will remember any war game he really got addicted to ,it will be the classic Allied Assault for sure. It was not the game , it was the madness and bond that this game created makes it so special .

So this is an open invitation to any of you guys who wants to join the forces on weekends in Hyderabad , just contact me and be ready with ur laptop.Lets recreate that magic,team up and start afresh for a kill.

Miss u all 5thBlockers,2005. Long live the Honor , Long live MOHAAAAA..

Pic n Move

Declaration: The photographs supplied in this page are free for use as per GNU Free Documentation License 1.2 (GFDL) . ( As if you are interested :P)

Good Old Days ( The last time I took studies seriously , 2002-2004)

Engineer (2008), At least something to show off

Kirkit... Man I love the game :)

Inspirations@Work


That day I became the baby sitter for 2 hours

The Buck Stops Here


Apna Chhotu :)


Deepavali @ Nafees Manjil , Hyd

A Quiver Full of Arrows

Objects in the picture are slimmer than they appear :)

Shadows In The Mirror

I talk in my sleep No doubt!
I am crazy ,nuts and insane
Something within me grows deep
Grasping and breathless
A little dishonest,promises to break.

In the day,you hide,busy, getting on with your life
And I stay Silent, waiting for the night
And then comes my chance
You talk, just as I like…and I reply,
To the thoughts-To the sleeper At my side!

In my sleep I make believes play
I pretend I am many things
The love ,the feel and a little rage!
In my dream when I see you,
Like always there is a rush of a beautiful life!

November Rain

I consider Mondays specially unpleasant in the calender, after the delicious freedom of Saturday and Sunday.By the way this weekend was something special.Though I slept for the scheduled 30 hrs ,the rest 18 hours were really eventful.we got the new DTH and broadband connection.I fell in love with Katrina Kaif again.And there was that wonderful evening with one of the master story tellers of our times at the Landmark store , Lord Jeffry Archer.But what interested me the most was the walk I took from office to home on Saturday evening.I wish I could rewind to that time again.

No doubt I stayed awake the whole Friday night and slept the whole next morning.Late afternoon I came to office, did some so called "pending tasks" and left before my inner self could start protesting.I prefered walking back as the weather seemed quite fine and cosy.

The shiny long winding road by KBR park is a nice treat to eyes.I saw a lot of pretty faces around.There was dew in the air.The atmosphere was grey and translucent.I could feel the breeze and smell the incoming rain.And suddenly there was a flash of lightening & the drumbeat of the rumbling clouds declared the arrival of a downpour.People started running for shelter.I grinned.I love the cold November rains.

So the sky broke into a passionate rain and began falling in torrents.The rain drops glittered as they stuck the sodden ground.I was watching the narrow channels of water formed by the roadside under the trees and followed them unless they submerged with one another to form a small stream. There were drops of water falling from my hair on my face. I have always enjoyed getting drenched in rain and it was one of those rare chances again .A light breeze played about the boughs & scattered stray leaves on the gliding stream below.I started walking along side the stream .Odd pieces of paper,leaves and sticks floated by .The wind blew in gusts, curving the fall of the rain. I found a point where the waters were swirling round and round in eddies.I inserted my finger in the center and tried to feel the flow.Gradually the stream disappeared round a bend at the end of the street.

It was past sunset and there was a soft red on west.It was growing darker by the moment.The rain thinned to a drizzle & the breeze played gently through the trees. The clouds were rolling back.There was a mild,balmy and delicious freshness in the air.The whole earth and sky became dark as a mass of smoke.That darkness at six o'clock was an event,romantic,to be remembered.

I thought of her, smiled and headed for home. My body was shivering in cold, but my heart was warm. A nerve of memory was touched. A day had just passed.

Ekanta ra Samikarana

kichi bhul ra punarabruti
Eka dirgha niswasa

Kichi shruti kichi pratishruti
Sampurna nirabata kichi ta sunyata
Rati ra andhakara re hajijibara iccha
kichi micha tike sata tike aswasana
kichi bastabikata besi chhalana
ekanta ku chupchap sahijibara puruna anubhuti

Eka aparichita nataka re nayaka ra bhumika
nirmana ra moha , dhwansa paijibara bhaya
jitibara akarshana , haribara ashanka
prathama barsha re bhijibara ananda
Kaha akhira marichika re budi jibara anubhaba
chuna chuna hasa ra sitalata , topaye luha ra usmata

Antardwanda re nijaku harei basibara bhaya
Pratarana ra khela re muhan muhin habara sahasa
Nijaku bhrama re rakhibara biphala chesta
Kichi haji jaithiba kshana ra artanada
Eka parajita atma ra niraba pralapa
Samaya ra samapti , antakarana ra subharambha

Marichika ra chakrabuyha ru mukti ra sandhana
aganita prasna ra mayajala re uttara khojibara prayasa
Abhula atita, asamahita bhabisyata
Bhanga goda re thia habara pratikhya
Puni eka nistabhda rati re swapna ra amantrana
Puni eka sabdahina kahani ra janma

kichi bhul ra pryaschita
Eka dirgha niswasa